It’s been nearly two years since I lost the biggest person in my life. Nothing prepares you for any of it. What is on my mind today, is the fact my daughter is losing her memories with my mother. She was three months shy of her 4th birthday. The time that some children start to develop long-term memories. This breaks my heart to a million pieces.
It’s been many, many months since my last entry. What I have been up to? It’s more, what has happened since my last entry. Some pretty big life events happened in 2019. The first one is pretty big, but it’s too personal to speak in a public forum. We’ll call that information X for argument’s sake. Last spring, I was given a bit of information for me to absorb. I received the information very mature, handled it well and too much in shock to have any other emotions really. For some, it could turn their world completely upside down or have a grudge to hold on like a teenager for all entirety. Given my age and being a mother, I received the information with a different mental state and acknowledgment of the reasons behind it. Now, I cannot say for certain if I had received that message when I was, 16 or even 25. What I do know is, the timing of said information was perfect. I could have even lived my entire life not knowing. Because to me, it wasn’t life or death, it wasn’t something in my control. I am a sensitive person, very much so. My passion lives deep inside me. I was more worried about other parties involved then how it affected me. Why? Because it doesn’t change a thing for me. Since that moment, I have had many epiphanies. I didn’t know that’s what they were until I started seeing a therapist. My weekly appointment with my therapist has shown me more than I could have hoped. My take away from each session feels as if what I have been holding onto for so long is finally be channeled out. Opening my mind and eyes to what I have been feeling and thinking. I finally figured out how to describe my depression. I actually did this prior to my first appointment with my therapist which is what helped me to seek a therapist. I do not know what life is like to NOT be suffering from depression. I hope to find out what it is like.
I’ve had it, I’ve had enough of feeling sluggish and my lack of self esteem about my body.
Hoping on the Keto trend to drop the fat and then stabilize a healthy weight. I did give a week of sugar free and saw great results.
I’ve never been a fan of any photos of myself, so I’m willing to share numbers instead. Here are my numbers for today. I’m curious to know where the sliming will start at.
My first goal is to drop down to my pre-pregnancy weight. Which means 30 pounds to loose. After hitting that it’s the pre-marriage weight, another 30! Yup my target is to drop 60 pounds. Anyone who remembers me in 2010, that is when I was 130ish.
This will bring also, saving money going out to eat, better lifestyle, a better example for my daughter.
My two-year-old daughter is starting to talk way more. Learning new words every day and she surprises me all the time. For example, she dropped an item on the floor and we were headed out the door and I asked her to pick it up off the floor. She looked down and saw it. Anyone who has limited interaction with toddlers may not see the point. The point is if I had said “picked it up please” she would at her eye level when I added ‘floor’ to the request she knew where to look. Once you are an adult, unless you work with children before having your own you forget how smart young children are. We all heard “their brains are like sponges”. So very true. They observe and repeat. On a different morning, I gathered all her things and I was explaining to her it was time to go. My words were exactly “Let’s go, I got your crap” (I wasn’t in a pleasant mood), she repeats “crap”. Then I got the side glance from my husband. I am very careful to keep her ears clean of all swear words. In my book crap is not a swear word but according to my husband, he wants his little girl to be an angel always. She uses words whenever she can. A typical morning with her with her knocking on her door to let us know she wants out. She will keep knocking until you do. When I opened up the door, she hands me items one by one while telling me what they are. We move into the master bedroom sitting her down where I sleep and she pulls the blanket over her and points to the small available space next to her and says “Momma”. Letting me know I can site next to her and where. I wanted to cry with joy so bad! Seeing her put together what she knows to date and use it. As she develops her vocabulary, I have to be even more mindful of what I say as she is very likely to repeat. Watching a human learning how to communicate either through sign language or speech it is by far an amazing milestone to be a part of.