It’s been nearly two years since I lost the biggest person in my life. Nothing prepares you for any of it. What is on my mind today, is the fact my daughter is losing her memories with my mother. She was three months shy of her 4th birthday. The time that some children start to develop long-term memories. This breaks my heart to a million pieces.
life
Epiphany, epiphany!
It’s been many, many months since my last entry. What I have been up to? It’s more, what has happened since my last entry. Some pretty big life events happened in 2019. The first one is pretty big, but it’s too personal to speak in a public forum. We’ll call that information X for argument’s sake. Last spring, I was given a bit of information for me to absorb. I received the information very mature, handled it well and too much in shock to have any other emotions really. For some, it could turn their world completely upside down or have a grudge to hold on like a teenager for all entirety. Given my age and being a mother, I received the information with a different mental state and acknowledgment of the reasons behind it. Now, I cannot say for certain if I had received that message when I was, 16 or even 25. What I do know is, the timing of said information was perfect. I could have even lived my entire life not knowing. Because to me, it wasn’t life or death, it wasn’t something in my control. I am a sensitive person, very much so. My passion lives deep inside me. I was more worried about other parties involved then how it affected me. Why? Because it doesn’t change a thing for me. Since that moment, I have had many epiphanies. I didn’t know that’s what they were until I started seeing a therapist. My weekly appointment with my therapist has shown me more than I could have hoped. My take away from each session feels as if what I have been holding onto for so long is finally be channeled out. Opening my mind and eyes to what I have been feeling and thinking. I finally figured out how to describe my depression. I actually did this prior to my first appointment with my therapist which is what helped me to seek a therapist. I do not know what life is like to NOT be suffering from depression. I hope to find out what it is like.
I long for the slow days
Remember when you were young that the days seemed to last forever? That 2.55pm final bell rings at school, you waited all day for that bell. You get onto the school bus and the fun begins! When I think of my childhood, I remember the good times I had with my siblings and the adventures we took. Now as a mother, I’m watching my young daughter enjoying her slow days. She moves from one activity to another. Coloring for five minutes then to outside to her water table. Sometimes the water comes into the house. I do envy her innocence at times and certainly the feeling that Christmas and birthdays were taking forever to arrive. Now as adults, you feel you don’t have enough hours in the day to do what you want. Birthdays come and go so fast. I hope retirement brings back the slow days for me so I may enjoy life more.
What the heck! I’m back!
I had a techincal issue with my blog but now it’s fixed and I am back! I do have much to say and share. Stay tuned!
2019
A new year, a new beginning. Right? That’s what we like to tell ourselves in hopes of making the new year the best year of our lives, but let’s face it, some shitty things will happen too. The best thing anyone can do is live in the moment, enjoy everything and everyone around you. One day, something will happen and you are left with regrets. When the end is near, no one will care that you are debt free, that you lost 100lbs+ of fat, no will care if you came into work on time every single day. What will people care about is your face, your laughter, your passion you showed, the people you loved and cared for, your lust to live life. So you find a partner whose goals are the same as yours and find the best way to live your lives together. There are no set rule books on how happiness is measured. You may not be famous or published a book, what you can do especially as parents are, building a legacy for children and your children’s children. Set the example, be that example and teach that example. The best decision my husband and I made for our daughter is a ULI (Universal Life Insurance). I will not go into details as you are an adult and is capable of reading the wiki link I provided. When we become parents, sometimes new parents forget about the ‘what if’. My friendly reminder is to think about the ‘what if’ and make a plan.
Happy New Year to you all!
Keto – Day 1
I’ve had it, I’ve had enough of feeling sluggish and my lack of self esteem about my body.
Hoping on the Keto trend to drop the fat and then stabilize a healthy weight. I did give a week of sugar free and saw great results.
I’ve never been a fan of any photos of myself, so I’m willing to share numbers instead. Here are my numbers for today. I’m curious to know where the sliming will start at.
My first goal is to drop down to my pre-pregnancy weight. Which means 30 pounds to loose. After hitting that it’s the pre-marriage weight, another 30! Yup my target is to drop 60 pounds. Anyone who remembers me in 2010, that is when I was 130ish.
This will bring also, saving money going out to eat, better lifestyle, a better example for my daughter.
Stay tuned!
10 Years Ago Continued
The project I was brought on was moving to the site location in Malaysia. Asia was new to me and I couldn’t have been more excited. Asia was beautiful in many ways. Traveling so far alone was actually very easy for me. A flight from Albany, NY to Newark, NJ to Bejing, China to Kaula Lumpur, Malaysia. Took in total 22 hours of traveling. Gives you much time to think of so much.
When I finally arrived in Kaula Lumpur and made it to the hotel (which was so nice!), I did one day of work then was off for two days. I happened to arrive right when Ramadan started. The Shangri-La hotel had a beautiful infinity pool.
Shangri-La’s infinity pool
Me at the front of the hotel in Putrajaya, Shangri-La
My work agreement was to work 5 ten hour days and one 5 hour day on Saturdays. It was a lot of work but the money was worth it and the experience as a whole. Saturday nights was for sure, a night to let loose and enjoy the city of Kaula Lumpur. Sundays were relaxing with some sightseeing. I was 30 during that time and way more energy. I had actually lost 10 pounds in Europe, and by the end of my stay in Malaysia, I had lost another 20! What did I do? Eat local food and didn’t exercise, goes to show that food outside the United States is way better for you. At that time in my life, I had to lose that weight. Maybe it was the fact I wasn’t trying or the stress being away. All honestly? The traveling and being out of my comfort zone is what made me happy. I do adore my home, but my home can be anywhere.
Kaula Lumpur has some beautiful buildings. The Petronas Towers are worldwide known.
Patronas Towers is at 452/1,483 (m/ft.)
To see more of my photos taken in Malaysia, visit my Flickr album Malaysia
Like Europe, I traveled as much as I could during my time in Asia. Given the work schedule I had, it was difficult to see more. I took one week off to go to Beijing, China. I met up with a long time friend from Australia.
Jess and I at the Forbidden City
We enjoyed exploring the city together during her birthday week! We took a tour of the Ming Tombs, the Great Wall of China and a tour of the Jade factory. Our guide was great and funny. Tourists in our group were from all over. Including a few from Kaula Lumpur! China is a very different country. You do have to go prepared in many ways. One, have all your destinations translated into Chinese. That was a life saver for us when grabbing a cab. It was one of the best trips I ever been on.
My trip home was an adventure in itself! It was December 22, 2008. From KL to Beijing, then Beijing to Newark, NJ. When I arrived in the states, it was cold and icy at the airport. We were unable to get to our gate due to icy pavement. We had to wait it out until the crew was able to melt the ice. Which in turn caused me to miss my last and final flight. It was nearly Christmas and the crowd was heading towards customer services desks and being told no available flights for two days. I rented a car! Now, I came from Malaysia which is closer to the equator in the mid-80s F and humid plus driving on the right side of the car and on the left said of the road! Newark was cold, icy and back to the right side of the road and left side of the car! I drove the three hours it took to get from Newark to Albany, NY. I climbed into my own bed roughly about 3 am. After 24+ hours of travel, I was done!
What I learned from the 6 months aboard, being away from your comfort zone is great for personal growth, challenges you face and to appreciate what you have at home. No one culture is the same. Experiencing other cultures first hand is a life lesson and experience into one. You do see the flaws in your own country, it’s not to compare some aspects from country to country. If anything it gives a new meaning to life and what is precious to hang onto. I love this planet Earth and the people, sites, plant life, and animals. It’s truly amazing, I encourage all to explore what this world has to offer. Start small but exploring a town in another state or trying a new cuisine. So much to see and do, so little time in one life. Never hold back on an opportunity of a lifetime.
10 Years Ago….
Finding oneself takes time and patience. Ten years ago, I had that opportunity to truly be alone. One Monday morning in July 2008, I was asked if I would be interested in working on a project in Germany. I said yes. That Sunday, I was on a plane to Stuttgart. Leading up to that time my current boyfriend and I were on the fritz. Honeymoon phase had ended long before and we were dealing with each other’s life choices and living ethics. When I was asked, it truly was a no-brainer as space is what we needed. Plus having someone home with my two kitties was nice. We spoke very little during that time apart, at one point I was hurt and wanted to make up but that did not happen. I moved on. Nothing like moving on from someone you loved while out of the country! During my three months in Germany, I had to return back for one week to pack up our apartment and move. First time I traveled aboard with only a single carry on item. My time in Germany was an eye opener of who I am outside my normal day to day routines. Working with new people from other offices within my company. Adjusting to the language, exploring any chance I got. It was fantastic.
My travels within Europe
During the course of 4 weekends in a row, I took a trip each weekend. The first one was driving to Austria to see the beautiful scenic alps and the old city of Innsbruck where I happen to know a fellow photographer who I met and his family.
Click here to see the full-size image and the rest of Innsbruck photos.
The second trip was taking the ICE (very fast train!) to Munich where I had a plan to meet up with a long time friend who completely flaked on me, I went anyways! I was not going to let the said friend get me down and miss the chance to see Munich. I made good use of my time there to see what I could and take photos of everything. I did stop by the Olympic Park (where the 1972 Olympics were held). The pool was in a full use! The streets were filled with bicycles. As it was the main transportation for the city’s residents. Plenty of parks to find, great food everywhere you turn and the people were friendly. I did land myself a pretty cool set of boots there. Which I still have today!
Click here to see the full-size image and the rest of my Munich photos.
The third trip was me tagging along to Berlin with a couple of co-workers. A quick flight up to Berlin from Stuttgart. My German co-worker and his wife gave us a very good tour of Berlin. I was in awe of that city and for what it has gone through. It reminded me of NYC is so many ways. Neighbors catering to all cultures. The food was amazing! The food in Germany is very good an good for you as they do ban so many harmful chemicals and ingredients that are still allowed in here in the States. The three months I was in Germany, I lost 10 pounds. The local food and the extra walking did a big part of that.
Click here to see the full-size image and the rest of Berlin photos.
The fourth and last trip was to Paris. I met up with my dear friend Laura (co-author to this blog), we had known each other for years and years. Finally, we had the chance to meet! I flew in on a Friday evening, following morning Laura arrived which I greeted her at the airport. During August of 2008, it was a heatwave all over Europe. After spending time in Versailles which was hands-down so worth sweating in the heat. It truly was amazing to see it all first hand, we went straight back to the hotel to wash up and cool down. Followed by a lovely dinner out! The next day was the other sites on our list, Eiffel Tower, Arc de Triomphe, and Notre-Dame.
Click here to see the full-size image and the rest of Paris. (Note, Paris albums has multiple trips added)
My three months in Europe were a great learning experience on how I can manage traveling alone and being alone. These are the life lessons I am very grateful for as I can pass them down to my daughter. Having a very active career and life before she was born to me is so much more rich to give her.
My adventure continues in Asia in the next post.
Today I turned 40
Today I turned 40…
The weeks leading up to this day has been consuming my mind with much anxiety. I have reflected on who I am, what I have done, and how a being mother plays into all this. With much effort on my part, I have done the best I can at keeping positive thoughts.
I won’t lie, it’s scary! I clearly remember as a teenager feeling I had plenty of time to do this, or that with no regard to time. Which I am happy to say I did so much! I went to college, developed an awesome career, traveled to Malaysia, China, and a lot of South East Asia, Germany. Too many places to list. During that time I grew my passions for travel and film. At 40, I have many life experiences, but I know I still have much more to learn. I am very thankful I have lived a full life before becoming a mother. Now I want to share my adventures, along with bad decisions to help shape my daughter to be the best human being she can be.
With all that being said, here are few things that impacted my life the most.
I have decided that my 40’s will be my time to put what I have learned throughout my 30’s to good use. If I was to simplify it to one thing, I would say its happiness. Becoming a mother has given me a lot of clarity. For starters, I do not waste my mental energy on issues that I cannot control anymore. Which is huge for me, I didn’t realize it at the time, but I had some control issues before. One thing that hasn’t changed for me is that fact I am pretty blunt. I don’t like to beat around the bush, I say what needs to be said. This trait is both good, and bad. Thinking back to how this all started, I am pretty sure it goes back to my middle school days. To sum it up, I was bullied. This left my self-esteem completely in shambles after that. I really didn’t care what people thought of me after that. Then, one day in history class during 7th Grade, I met my future best friend.
She was the exact personality I needed in my life, she helped me develop my self-esteem back, and I felt I could fly. Shortly after our friendship started, her father called me a “free spirit”. Through my childhood, teenage years and young adult I have made plenty of bad decisions and many great ones. I feel I have lived such a wonderful life, and am hoping to see the next 40 years with my husband and daughter brings.
For those who 40th year came and gone, how was your approach to this milestone in your life? For those who still have some time before hitting the big 4-0, what do you look forward to or fear. Would love to hear your comments!
